Connection

That’s what we crave. Feeling like we’re connected to someone and they somehow genuinely understand us. 

I’m starting to fear being alone. Alone with my thoughts because at the moment they feel toxic and addictive in a very harmful way. Boston made me feel connected like I hadn’t felt in years, and now I’m in this city with harndly any connections. Without any to pour my feelings too. They’re kept in, locked away from myself and society and I’m not sure how that makes me feel. 

In some weird way, it’s causing a lot of my anxiety and depression. I miss the Boston that made me feel at home, especially one person in particular. 

Life goes on though, I hope I find a connection like that again. Soon, I hope. 

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In this place

I’m in this place, a home, that isn’t mine. I have no memories here – currently. I don’t know when the floor creeks as I step here or there. I don’t know what kind of sounds the bed makes when I go to sit on it. I didn’t place any of these items here, they were already placed here and there by someone. I’m in this place, that’s a home, a home that will be mine for the next week or so. A home I’m trying vividly to remember.

Tonight’s the first night I’m here – alone – trying to soak up as much as I can while I can. For things here are quite, peaceful calm and okay. I’m okay here – and it’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt okay. I’ve gotten so used to moving, going, not stopping that this this is the first time I feel at peace. Free to just be myself – a Cristal who’s new and improved. Who knows her worth and knows she’s going somewhere – doing something with her life – who isn’t going to take bullshit anymore. Not even from herself. I’m 25, I lost my dad. I forgot who I was for someone. I moved across the country. I’m moving back. I’m going to medical school. I’m in this place – I don’t know what I feel, but I want to vividly remember it. Life is crazy – they all say.

Remind yourself that in these dark times, you’re pain and suffering will make you a better person and will help you grow. You will not be broken by any of this – be resilient and kind to others and most importantly to yourself.

Find who, what, and where makes you happiest. Don’t settle. Be happy. Let others help you. Don’t forget. Exercise more. Surround yourself with good people – more often. Be smart and work hard. Think before you speak and think before you act.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius | Book II

In this – I write those lessons I wish to learn from the great stoic Marcus. I hope that these lessons will guide me through these rough times that I am enduring and will inspire all parts of me. For pain is a feeling that I know not how to endure – nor understand. I seek comfort in his words.

I begin, with Book II.

To resent anything that happens is to separate oneself in revolt from Nature.

How is one to control what happens to oneself? And whoso is to say that one can’t be humbled by what pains Nature brings. For death is a part of a Nature and in it’s pain – lies beauty and balance. One is to accept this part of life and understand it’s meaning in the eyes of Nature. To revolt against Nature is to cause oneself pain and harm – to stunt that growth that one is to have naturally – we continue.

A soul harm itself when it gives in to pleasure or pain.

All things of the body stream away like a river, all things of the mind are dreams and delusion; life is warefare, and a visit in strange land; the only lasting fame is oblivion.

Oblivion and philosophy are the two truths that one should live by. Holding those two truths near will allow oneself to look past unwarranted pain and pleasure. What more can one do but mediate on Nature’s unchanging truth. We are but a spect in the vast world and have no more power or will on Nature than all those before us and after us.

Open Letter To: Winter

Winter I am tired of your cold ass. I am tired of your windchill and dry flaky air. I am tired of how you tease me with 60 degree weather then throw a blizzard into the mix just to taunt me. I am done with the layering and the covering of skin. I want to be free and wear the least amount of clothing possible. Winter my toes need some fresh air! My skin requires vitamin d to survive and to maintain a peaceful mind! And now that spring is supposed  to be approaching, I can’t take anymore of this cold lifeless life! It’s far too dull and I am not accustomed to staying indoors for this many hours. Winter let spring arrive.

Back To My Roots

In the last year or so, I’ve been really trying to reconnected with my Hispanic roots. I’ve been trying to immerse myself in my language and culture as much as possible – especially now that I don’t live with my parents. And although I know I will always be Mexican, I am starting to feel disconnected from my culture – as if I’m losing it.

Since leaving the nest, my Spanish vocabulary has declined and I’ve forgotten completely how to say some words – which is just pathetic. There’s nothing here on the east coast that reminds me of my roots and to top it off I’m getting whiter which doesn’t help. And it’s not like I haven’t had this “white” skin issue before. It’s just gotten worse since moving here to Boston.

So, what have been doing to get me back to my roots? Aside from eating as many conchas as possible – I’ve been listening to a ton of Spanish music and even became addicted a novela. I’ve linked a playlist I curated in case anyone is interested! It’s mostly indie stuff, but overall still really great jams and jellies.

As for the novel I’ve been watching – its about the Cuban artist Celia Cruz and her journey to fame (availabile on Netflix). If anyone loves Cuban music and also Celia Cruz, then you have to watch this show. It’s historically accurate (or so I believe) and it’s like you get a mini concert with every forty minute episode. Here’s the first episode so you can get addicted. 

 

 

How Much?

Since publicly announcing that I have a blog I’ve really been struggling with trying to figure out how much personal information I’d like to share with you, the world. On one hand I could only write about trivial things like – what music I’ve been listening to, what I cooked, how the weather was like, etc.. Nothing political. Religious. Or philosophical. But, on the other hand I could be completely open and share personal life struggles, political views, or just things of that nature.

While both seem interesting – both have their benefits and downfalls, of course. Sharing more personal information means, you the reader, really get to know me and hopefully benefit from reading my blog. Whether that means learning something new about the world, or not feeling like you’re alone in some life dilemma, or just learning something new about me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to post something thing personal and have it bite me in the butt later down the road. Because, as we know – posting things online means they’re online forever!

So maybe a middle not so personal, but not so trivial kinda blog? Yeah, I think I’ll go with that.

 

Almost $0.25

I’m turning 25 in less than two months and I am freaking the fuck out. Where the heck did my early twenties go? All of a sudden I went from going dancing with my girlfriends to double dating and adulting. Yes, adulting is a real word. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely glad to be growing up and adulting – it’s just that growing up just seems to happening way too fast! Soon enough I’ll be in my 30’s talking about how my ovaries are about to expire and won’t be able to have both a successful career and be the best mother possible. And don’t even get me started on wrinkles and gray hairs. That’s a struggle I’m not ready to tackle.

Does anyone else feel this way? Both happy to be getting older, but also freaked out by it?

– Cristal