It Wasn’t the Same

After walking four miles to get myself some canvas, brushes and paint I wasn’t satisfied. I finally got around to painting and that feeling that I used to have has disappeared. There was no spark, love or appreciation for what I was creating. It just felt trivial and useless. It was as if I was painting just to say that I had painted, but the act lacked emotion and cause. This really worries me.

I used to have this appetite for life – for adventure and moments that I could go back to. Now, I spend my day sitting at home, studying, cooking for myself and trying to find entertainment. It almost feels like I’m settling. Is it my home that’s making me feel this way? My thoughts, or lack there of?

I’m starting to believe that those who go to study medicine and are truly dedicated do not have a life outside of their studies. You just don’t have time to spend on anything except studying. Even when you do happen to indulge, you feel guilty for not studying. It’s a vicious cycle really. Study have no life; have a life and feel guilty. There is just no in between.

This is what I believe is the sacrifice that everyone talks about. You have to give up your creativity, friends, connection to the outside world so that you can succeed at something. You really can’t have it all.

– Cristal

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