I drive past, or passed – I don’t fucking know – the hospital where the helicopter took you to another hospital every morning. You weren’t conscious, your brain was shutting down and trying to keep you alive. Your heart beating with all of the energy it could possibly conjure. It’s funny how much your DNA wants you to keep breathing and thriving. Somewhere within the nucleus of your cells, however, they knew it was a time. Perhaps it was your brain telling them to give up. To give in to the years of pain that for so long brought upon your undiagnosed depression. Could this have been your demise? The unwillingness to allow your cells to thrive for you? Preventing them from continuing their soul purpose in life?
How could you have known that this is where you would end up. Here in my thoughts that are at a volume to high for me to handle. My ears are hurting from my headphones trying to muffle you out – the volume is too high. I’m starting to find comfort in others – how is that healthy? You would be disappointed, but who else do I talk to? Who else can I help me to untangle these thoughts that run rampant. I’ve made an appointment to seek help from a professional – knowing that it’s the right thing to do. I see why the concept of seeking professional help was something that seemed so foreign and disturbing to you. How are you to tell this complete stranger all of your inner most thoughts and expect them to help you? All they do is propose surface level questions just to get you thinking passed (see there is it again) your own uncertainty and confront those things that you don’t feel you’re ready for. I mean they’re also there because you might have this chemical imbalance going on and it needs some serious correcting.
Regardless of those facts, you should have found help years ago. Before it reached the point where you lost hope and felt like you couldn’t continue. Why didn’t you talk to me sooner? Why didn’t you think about the effects this would have on all us? Am I entering part 3 of my grief – anger and resentment?